Black Christmas Trees Prove People Have Lost Their Minds

After being cooped up for the better part of a year, it should come as no surprise that people are getting a little loopy. If this cabin fever hasn’t been evident based on the increasingly outré backgrounds people are putting on their Zoom calls, then it certainly is from the latest dispatch from the Washington Post’s style section. Apparently, because they had to ruin Christmas along with the rest of 2020, people have started to decorate their homes with black Christmas trees.

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Black Christmas trees!? What is this madness? I thought the trend of white Christmas trees from about a decade ago was tacky, but that comes off as positively tasteful compared to this monstrosity. Christmas should be a time of joy and celebration. The only appropriate reaction to coming across a black Christmas tree in someone’s home is: “Who died?”

I would understand if somehow, perhaps due to factory error, thousands of typically green artificial trees had been mistakenly painted black. And then, due to a supply shortages, black Christmas trees were the only ones available on Amazon. Considering I once was so desperate for Christmas cheer that I put out a light-up Christmas dog, I would sympathize with those forced to adorn their home with the more macabre decoration. But that is not the case! According to the fashionistas interviewed by the Post, black Christmas trees are now considered “glamorous,” “sophisticated,” and “refined.”

This aggression will not stand! The War on Christmas continues apace, and this latest sortie should serve as a reminder to us all to be constantly vigilant. Now is the time to reach out to your loved ones to check in on their mental health. After all, friends don’t let friends put out black Christmas trees.