‘Squirrel Tables’ Are A Thing Now, And I’ve Officially Seen It All

Look, I understand that people are looking for ways to pass the time. Taking up a quarantine hobby is totally normal and healthy, especially if it something intellectually stimulating like playing chess. Even more mindless enterprises, like watching “Tiger King,” are relatively harmless. But that does not mean every quarantine pastime is a good idea. I am thinking of one quarantine pastime in particular: nailing miniature picnic tables to trees in your backyard.

Apparently this is a real thing, and it has been for some time. The New York Times profile on the phenomenon pinpoints the genesis as occurring in March, when someone posted a cute picture of a squirrel on social media. In the photo, the squirrel in question is enjoying a nosh perched on a pint-size picnic table appended to a wooden fence. It’s no surprise that the post went viral; watching animals do human things is inherently funny.

SQUIFTY Squirrel Feeder Picnic Table with Umbrella and Corn Cob Holder and Small Peanut Cup — $48.45

The problem comes with what followed. Inspired to recreate this experience in their own backyards, hundreds if not thousands of wannabe influencers hoisted tiny tables and laid out a generous spread. According to the Times, “although called ‘squirrel tables,’ people lay out a selection of nuts and seeds for any backyard creature, be it squirrel, chipmunk or groundhog.”

This is not a localized trend, limited to quirky Brooklynites and crunchy Birkenstocks wearers. This has become so popular that there are hundreds of pre-made squirrel tables available for sale, on both Amazon and Etsy. There must be ample demand for these products, because there sure is ample supply. Combing through the scores of seemingly identical squirrel tables on Amazon, I’d have no idea how to make a selection. Needless to say, if a market gap had ever existed it has been sufficiently filled.

And I guess this is where I struggle to comprehend the point of the squirrel tables. I can see that they are akin to bird feeders, and as long as you don’t live in a city squirrels can be more or less friendly. But why go through the charade of buying these tchotchkes when preparing the squirrels’ feast? I would have so much more respect for these people if they made the tables by hand, and it was an admirable outlet for their budding interest in woodworking. Instead, they buy these tables readymade. The only possible answer is that they are doing it all for the sake of their followers on Instagram.

In times like these, you should spend time doing things you find enjoyable. If that is attracting vermin to your premises, then so be it. But before you shell out $40 for one of these tables, think long and hard if it is a valuable use of your money—and your time.